how great is our god

3 1/2 years ago, I sat in a chair listening to "How Great is Our God" being sung and I couldn't help but question that very thing. I sat there looking at my brother's casket, wondering how a God that loves us so much, would allow such grief to come to our family...again.

I was an 11 year old, little girl when my daddy was murdered and taken from me. I remember when my daddy was killed and the loss that I felt. I remember being so sad. I remember the questions that were never answered. I remember being scared, scared of everything. Scared that if my mom ever left my side, she may not come back either. Scared of the dark. Scared of people. Just scared. But, I did have my mom and I leaned on her strength. She was strong. She held our family together. She reminded us that God still loved us and was going to take care of us.

And then, here we were again, sitting in the midst of grief, saying goodbye to my precious, little brother. My little brother who had his whole life ahead of him and now he was gone. When Aaron died, I began to question God and His love. I felt abandoned by Him and was angry with Him. I was mad at Him for putting my parents through a grief that no parent should ever have to face. I was mad at Aaron for giving up on life. I went for quite a few months just being mad and I gave up on God. We didn't talk for months and then I finally realized that God was bigger than me. He could take my temper tantrum. He could take me pounding my fists at Him. I layed it all out for Him and that was when the healing began.

I knew that I would see my sweet brother again and I slowly began feeling a peace that only He is capable of delivering! My heart was still aching for me and for my kids for my other siblings and especially for my parents, but I knew that I was feeling His arms, ever so gently, wrapping themselves around me. God never promised days without pain or laughter without sorrow, but He did promise strength for the day and comfort for the tears. I opened my heart back up to Him, asked for His forgiveness and I saw Him for who He truly is!

For a long time, I struggled even hearing that song because it reminded me that my brother was no longer here and it took me back to the day of his funeral. I didn't sing it because I was angry and questioning how "great" He really was. Now, I get choked up because I truly see His Majesty and I am overwhelmed at His love for me! I am humbled! Today at church, while the congregation was singing, I was remembering a picture. The day of Aaron's funeral, I remember looking over at my mom, tears in her eyes and hands raised towards heaven, singing those very words...the picture of strength. I saw God holding her up that day and even when I thought God was so far away, there He was, supporting and loving us all the whole time! By the grace of God, I sang a few lines from that song today and I felt His love just wash over me! Thank you, Father, for Your love and comfort and blessings each day!


"How Great Is Our God"

The splendor of a King, clothed in majesty
Let all the earth rejoice
All the earth rejoice

He wraps himself in Light, and darkness tries to hide
And trembles at His voice
Trembles at His voice

How great is our God, sing with me
How great is our God, and all will see
How great, how great is our God

Age to age He stands
And time is in His hands
Beginning and the end
Beginning and the end

The Godhead Three in One
Father Spirit Son
The Lion and the Lamb
The Lion and the Lamb

Name above all names
Worthy of our praise
My heart will sing
How great is our God

How great is our God, sing with me
How great is our God, and all will see
How great, how great is our God

my GOD shall supply all our needs

I have been frustrated with this blog because I forget how I got it set up and now I can't change anything!! In fact, it had been so long since my last entry that they even removed some of my cool stuff I had! Writing doesn't come easily to me so it isn't a quick entry when I sit at the computer to blog! I have to put so much thought into making it all sound good...making it all sound proper...making it all enjoyable! Today, I'm still trying to figure out how to make the changes to my blog, the words still don't come naturally, but I'm putting all that on the back burner for now and I'm going to just share my heart!

For some reason, today was emotional for me. So much transpired this weekend and I sat today thinking about my God! Let me start at the beginning: As most of you know, our van broke down on Friday on the way home from a Dr's appointment in Akron with Zachary. To make a looonnnnggg story short, we have been dealing with "tummy" problems for about 5 years now. Last April we went to a Gastroenterologist and things had seemed to be going pretty good until January and February. We ran into a few "snags" and felt that we needed to get a second opinion for our little guy. We took him in March and the Dr ordered some blood work: blood work for allergies to milk, soy, wheat, celiacs disease, chrones disease and more. We had the blood work done and when we went last Friday for the results, everything was GREAT! No allergies, no scary diseases, just good news...you would think! We got good news and yet we still have a problem with no clear answers. We may be a step closer to our answer: strep! Yes, strep! We have to have him tested when he is healthy, but the Dr believes that Zachary may be a strep carrier and that is causing all of his problems! A simple strep test during one of his episodes, will give us our answer...if it is positive, then a dose of antibiotics till the infection is out of his system and we are good to go! Something that seems simple and yet took many doctors 5 years to figure this out and help us!! So much of our trust and faith is put in doctors and yet our thinking is so off! Our faith and trust needs to be placed in the Heavenly Father who created us and knows us! He knew what was "wrong" with Zachary even when no doctor did. I am so guilty of worrying about things that I can't control! Why do we do this? Why do we worry when there is nothing we can do to change the outcome of a situation? Because we are human! We had a message at church just a few weeks back and it was about worrying!! Man, how God made my heart sting during this message! He was really stepping on my toes and making me think about some things!

Ok, so back to this weekend! The van breaks down an hour from home (I am so thankful that Jason was with me because I get stressed when I have car trouble...and man, have we had our share of it with the van)! Anyway, we get a stinky, dirty tow truck to get us back to Ashland and we wait! We got a call on Monday morning that the engine was shot and it would cost us a ridiculous amount to fix it and all the other things that were wrong with it! Isn't that usually how these things go?! Being the "worry-er" that I am, I go into panic mode...what are we gonna do without a second car? No more trips to the East Coast to visit family, no having lunch with the kiddos at school, no just getting out of the house...and the list went on! I went into the second mode when I'm stressed ~ CLEANING!! Praying the whole time that God would supply our needs, but not totally believing He would! How many times has He provided for us in the past? How many times has He worked things out? How many times has He proven Himself to me? Oh so many times and yet I still doubted...just call me "Thomas"! I won't go into all the details, but I will say this, God provided in a big way...just like He always does! Trust Him! Cast your cares on HIM because He cares for you! God will supply all of our needs...and He did it again! Thank you, Father, for your faithfulness!

W.O.F

Women of Faith ~ where do I even begin to share what an experience this is? I had never been to a W.O.F conference and last year I packed up and drove to Philly to see what it was about! I thought I was crazy to be doing this since they usually make it to Cleveland, Ohio the weekend after Philly...yes, only 1 hour away!!!! My mom had attended for a few years and then my sister started going and it wasn't long before they were both on me about going! You only have to attend once to know that this is a life-changing experience!

I really struggled with leaving this time. I was feeling guilty for leaving the kids only a few weeks into school, I was feeling bad that Jason had to take the time off from work to be with them the whole weekend, the cost of making the trip and I was just sad all the way around...not to mention extremely nervous about making that drive, by myself, in our very UNreliable van!! I know that Satan was doing everything he could to discourage me before I even got to W.O.F ~ he's like that ya know! I got the kids ready to go on Thursday and I got in the van ready to head out. Had to be strong for the kids, but I got in the van and cried! Cried about leaving my boys, cried because of nerves and the trip and cried because of the guilt I was feeling! I was so excited to be going and having this experience with my mom and sister again, but just feeling guilty!! Anyway...I made it to my sister's house with nothing exciting to speak of!!

The weekend was just as I expected ~ full of highs and lows, laughing and crying and just a roller coaster of emotions! As difficult as it is for me to orchestrate this whole trip, I absolutely LOVE sharing this experience with my mom and my sister! I am willing to make the sacrifice because it is just that priceless ~ although, it would be just as priceless if they drove to Ohio for the same experience!!!! I am so thankful how the Lord speaks to us, right where we are. I love that I don't have to clean up before I come to Him. I love that I don't have to make myself look a little better before He sees me. I love that I don't have to candy-coat how I REALLY feel. I love that in spite of it all, He loves me JUST THE WAY I AM!! Did you hear that? He loves me just the way I am ~ and guess what? He loves YOU just the way you are!!! Isn't that incredible?! I love that! Being with all of those women and knowing that God was right there with me was amazing! He looked at my messy self and came and met me in my seat! I am ready to go out, after this halftime of life and finish the game...at least until halftime next September!!

I was on such a high by the time the weekend was over and it felt good. I was ready to come home and be the perfect wife, the mom who never yells and the woman that can do it all! I hate the idea of leaving my family in DE, but I was ready to leave and put into practice the things that I learned over the weekend. I never sleep when I am away from home, so I decided that if I got up in the middle of the night, I would just head home instead of laying in bed HOPING to fall back to sleep! I moved the van forward so that I could start loading up my bags. Now mind you, I traveled alone so I only had two bags!! I really didn't need to load them up ahead of time, but I went ahead and pulled the van forward so that it was in front of my sister's house. To my "surprise", I couldn't steer the van! Are you kidding me? Now? If you know the Counts family and the history of the "van", you really wouldn't be surprised that I was having car problems! My sister went out and had to see what I was talking about! By the time my brother-in-law made it home and took the van for a spin, there was nothing wrong!! Doesn't that always figure?! I didn't sleep the night before because I was even more anxious than I was when I made the trip to DE in the first place!! I woke up to a gloomy, rainy Sunday which I wasn't excited about in the least! I started off on my trek home literally praying mile by mile that I would make it home! I would set a goal and then pray that I would make it there. I kept praying that I would be safe, that I would know what to do if something happened to the steering and that I would get to that next spot and then I continued to do this over and over and over the entire way home! Each time being sure that I said a prayer of thanks when I actually made it to that next spot! I was having some problems on the turnpike, but all across 80 everything was good. I was starting to get more confident as the trip went on! I was 20 miles from home and the car started acting up again! I just had to laugh because wouldn't it just be like God to get me that far and then have me break down on the side of the road?! Needless to say, I made it home in once piece, but I don't know if our van will be able to make another trip like that anytime soon!!

I was leaving the W.O.F weekend a little discouraged, but God turned that around and reminded me to trust Him! He gave me what I needed at that time! I had a great lesson in faith and trust on the way home and I am praying that I will not soon forget that He is with me ~ wherever I am!!

Mom and June ~ thank you for a great weekend! Thank you for the relationship we have with each other! I love and miss you so much!

because HE lives

Cutting the grass, for me, is time that I enjoy! Jason and I usually cut the grass together...I ride the tractor while he does the trimming with the mower and the weed eater! I enjoy listening to my tunes while I'm doing this, but yesterday was different ~ I spent the hour talking to my Father. There are some things that are weighing very heavily on my heart and I spent the time in prayer lifting them to Heaven. I am always amazed that the best "chats" with God are in the most odd places and at the most odd times ~ I'm glad that I can go to Him wherever I am, whenever I want! As I was praying, the Lord brought this song to my head ~ Because He Lives! If any of you know me, this is the song I want sung at my funeral because it offers so much hope for the future. We don't always know what the future holds, but we do know Who holds the future! I needed this from my Father yesterday! When I needed to hear Him, this is what He told me ~ because He lives, I can face tomorrow. Because He lives, all fear is gone! WOW!! I get goosebumps just typing those words! It's not always easy to see that He is holding our future, but He's got it under control!

Thank you, Father, for speaking to me yesterday. I needed to hear your voice and through this song, I felt a peace that only came from You!

childlike faith

I am rejoicing with the angels and my Father in Heaven!!!!! Our Zachary asked Jesus to come into his heart tonight!! Jesus made it so simple that my precious, 5 year old was able to understand that all he had to do was ask!!! It amazes me that the older we get, the more we try to analize everything. Jesus said that all we had to do was confess with our mouth and believe in our heart and we would be saved.

We were talking about Heaven tonight and Zachary said he wanted to go there. Dylan was telling him that he had to be saved. Zachary, being only 5, didn't really know what that meant, but he knew that he wanted to live with Jesus because he "likes Him and loves Him". He told me that He knew that Jesus loved him even more than he loves Jesus. Zachary has been talking about asking Jesus to come into his heart for quite some time now. As parents, it's hard because we never wanted to push him into this decision, but we also never wanted to discourage him from making the biggest decision of his life! I told him that when he was ready, to let Mama and/or Daddy know and we would pray with him. He looked me in the eye and said, and I quote, "I'm ready now, Mama!" Such determination in that little face and those eyes that I quickly decided to place it in the LORD'S hands!!! I told him what he needed to say and he said, "I know" and with that, he started praying and as he was, he was crying! I believe that he knew what he was doing!!! It was as simple as telling Jesus that he wanted to Him to live in his heart for the rest of his life and to take him to Heaven when he dies and then he said, "I love you, Jesus!" ~ and with that, Mama began to cry!!

Oh, my cup runneth over ~ thank you, Father, for your forgiveness and for your faithfulness. You showed me tonight that these things aren't in my timing but Yours! I put these precious boys in your hands and pray that both Dylan and Zachary live their lives to honor and glorify you in all they do. I pray that I am an example that they can follow. Forgive me for the times that my life wasn't Your mirror and thank you for second chances!

My heart is full!!

stop and smell the roses!

I was outside late last night, waiting for Dabby to do her business, and I just stood there in awe ~ not in awe of Dabby and her business, but of the sky! Black as black could be, sprinkled with a massive amount of stars, as far as the eye could see! I just stood there, couldn't take my eyes off the twinkling stars above! Then I was out early this morning, enjoying the beauty of the morning ~ listening to the birds chirp, feeling the gentle breeze on my face, all while looking at the bluest sky! What a world we live in! Psalm 19:1 comes to mind: "The heavens declare the glory of God; the skies proclaim the work of his hands"

Have you taken the time to just stop and "smell the roses"? Taken the time to really look at the beauty that is around us?

I beg you to stop today ~ take in your surroundings! Thank the Lord above that you have your sight and that you can see His beautiful creation! Let me know what you took the time to see today!

Have a good one!